True Blood Season 5

I am deviating from my normal topic of Italy to share my thoughts on Season 5 of True Blood. So if you have yet to see that season in its entirety, don't read this. 'Cause I is going there, hooker. And if you don't know why I just used the word hooker, just stop reading altogether because this is not for you. Although that is one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs. A three-way tie between that, Rearview Mirror and Black.

Now you may be wondering, American Suburban Mom in Italy, how in the world have you been able to watch season 5 in a timely fashion? And to that I must go off on a bit of a side note. I fully expect that anyone in the age range of 33 and older is not only familiar with the short lived '90s show My So Called Life, but has it memorized and still hates Claire Danes for leaving the show and ruining it for everyone. That scene at the dance when Ricky decides to defy his tormentors and dances with the chubby girl from maybe a show on Disney to "What is Love" by Haddaway? Oh my God, that  makes me cry even thinking about it.  Okay, so then you are all familiar with the show's catch phrase/running joke where each episode one of the characters asks, "Where's Tino? Has anyone seen Tino?" And I alone know where Tino's been, y'all. Tino has been hooking me up with True Blood Season 5. Tino rocks. Thank you Tino.

My qualifications for dissecting and judging True Blood are extensive. I have read each and every book not once, not twice, not three times, but four times. And yes, before there was a show, there were books. Y'know, those rectangular things with paper inside them that people used before iPads and kindles and whatever the other one is? And the books are better than the show. But no worries,  I've seen each episode of each season at least twice, save for season 5 which I have only seen once. Oh, and my dog is named Sookie. Who is better to pass judgement than I?

I don't know how I feel about season 5 and I think it may be because i am so influenced by the books which are the one true True Blood. But I will do my best. I will give Season 5 that it had quite an ending and i am eager to see where they go with all of this.

Like any normal True Blood (Real name: The Southern Vampire Mysteries) book fan, I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for Sookie and Eric to get together. It was supposed to happen last season. And when Eric recovered his memory it was supposed to really start heading in that direction asap. Because in the books Sookie and Eric are husband and wife under vampire law. That's right. Sookie and Eric. MARRIED. So, I'll see you your Edward and Bella or a Bill and Sookie and raise you an Eric and Sookie that brush them all aside like lint on a coat. Imagine my dismay and surprise, however, when the season opens with Bill alone feeling Sookie's terror and Eric not even flinching or registering her distress and then dismissing her. So even though Alan Ball has made the worst mistake in vampire show history by refusing to make Eric and Sookie a couple (okay, I didn't like the Buffy and Spike break-up either, but I think Joss Wheadon was working on Firefly by then, so I won't hold it against him. But Marti Noxon? In my eyes, you are Claire Danes), I am trying to be the bigger person and separate the show from the book and just seethe quietly to myself. Except not really.

I still don't exactly understand the whole Lafayette and his mom and Jesus and the uncle and the pregnant woman plot because the mouths sewn shut really really really freaked me out  and I had to fast forward through that. So all I know is that Lafayette seems fine now. Terry and his new friend Knoll from Felicity and the smoke monster storyline. Ugh. Do you get the feeling that someone needed a favor from someone who needed a favor and their agent talked to another agent who talked to the P.R. team and got a positive spin put on the whole Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes thing and ta-da! There's Scott Foley on True Blood where he has no business being. I've seen Entourage. I know how it works.

 Nora. I was Not Happy on two counts: 1) that Eric would get over/cheat on Sookie so quickly and 2) that it would be with his freaking sister? I would say that at least they weren't related by blood, but they're vampires with the same maker. So they are.

The seven-steps-beyond-campy-and-uncomfortable-to-watch-because-it-was-so-bad fairy elder scene: was she an actor on Fame the television show? I feel strongly that I've seen her before. But it may have just been juggling or singing on the metro and then collecting coins in a hat.

In the interest of fairness, the True Blood books have been heading downhill as well, and it is obvious that Charlaine Harris is just going through the motions at this point. But can someone, somewhere, just throw me a damn bone with the Sookie and Eric thing? Oh, and if you could never again defile Pam in all her awesome Pam glory with the abomination that is Tara, I would so very much appreciate it. Thank you.