Friday, September 14, 2012

Sometimes I swear this place is out to get me

Technically the line is Sometimes I swear that man is out to get me, but I was concerned that if that was the title of the post, people would think that Mike was sabotaging my alphabetically arranged pantry. When I saw the Julia Roberts movie Sleeping With the Enemy, and she was frantically making sure all the hand towels were aligned and all of the labeled cans in the cabinet were facing the same direction and the people around me were tense and uncomfortable that a misstep over one of these details meant that her husband would beat her, I was happily munching popcorn, relieved that at least someone recognized the importance of these matters.Quite frankly, I'm surprised her husband married a person who didn't know that hand towels should be even. One would also hope that in a movie about an abusive husband there would be no need for the giant "I'm Julia Roberts" laugh that is the reason the glaciers are melting. But she managed to sneak one in anyway. We should all just be thankful that she "didn't rescue him right back." Strangle me with a misaligned hand towel. Ick.

Two nights prior, our intercom buzzer went crazy with the cheese whiz when we were not expecting anyone. It kept buzzing and buzzing like the big bad wolf trying to blow down our house with a stubby, nicotine-stained finger with dirt beneath the nail, and hair on the knuckle(just a guess). Yet when Mike picked up the phone, no one responded to his "Pronto." Several minutes later, our landlord called to tell us that someone was complaining because water from our air conditioner had dripped on them. You know how sometimes if you don't live in the middle of nowhere with only the Mennonites as neighbors, you have to watch where you step so that you don't get dripped on by an air conditioner? This person was unaware that this could happen. Life is hard.

And when we awoke, it was pouring rain. And humid as all hell. And I could feel my hair growing bigger by the second and our place smelled musty and closed-up like a beach rental where the floor feels gritty and even though the owner claimed the rental had been cleaned in between tenants, you know it wasn't because there was a bathing suit hanging in the shower.

I don't like heat and I don't like humidity. And this is why I moved to a tropical climate.

Then I tried to empty the dishwasher but the dishes were covered with a film as though the dishwasher hadn't worked. Because it probably doesn't. And the clothes that had been hanging out to dry were not yet dry but i had to bring them in because of the rain and possible air conditioner drippings. And I couldn't tackle the gigantic pile of laundry that had sprouted like mushrooms in horse manure because I didn't have anywhere that I could then dry the clothes.  And I was trying in vain to unpack all of our clothes(mine) and shoes(mine) and I cannot because we simply do not have enough storage space and no one else seems to think this is a problem except I. And the dogs. Because they are always on my side.  Well, really just Stella. Because if I am not skipping and tossing daisies, Stella quietly follows me with a sympathetic look and occasionally whines to let me know that she recognizes that We Are Upset.

i'm sorry the lack of closet space and terrible humidity has us down. and i too wish that Entertainment Weekly hadn't pulled that bogus double-issue deal so that they can skip publication this week.

 Sookie pretty much only emerges if she suspects I'm petting Stella.

And then it was time to meet John at the bus and I was so hot that even though everyone seemed to be wearing leather jackets and snow pants, I wore shorts and a tank top and didn't care that people were looking at me and my giant humidity-filled hair in horror.

And I didn't use my umbrella and by the time I sat on the tiny ledge of the ancient ruin that is where the bus stops, I felt better. The rain was cold and the traffic was full of people trying to drive over one another's tiny cars and everyone was honking and like a white noise machine, it was very soothing.

And when we had dinner, it was actually too cool to open the windows and Stella was finally able to go to sleep now that We Were No Longer Upset.

It's as though Rome takes you to your very breaking point and just when you think you cannot stand to live here for one more single second, it feels you have learned your lesson, and allows you to love her once again. I assume Rome is a girl because of the whole she-wolf thing, but whatever.

And even though it is still pouring rain, today the high is going to be 70 degrees. The workman are out sweeping the rain like Toki Wartooth sweepings the snow. I am wearing.....JEANS!!!!!!!!!And not only am I wearing jeans, I am wearing a pair of skinny jeans that my sister had bought me last Christmas but I never wore because I thought I looked like Khloe Kardashian (not the one who keeps having babies with that unbelievable loser, and not the pretty one who keeps getting married, but the other one:the one who looks like a Yeti), but here, everyone wears them to the degree that it looks normal. I may just break the next fashion barrier and start wearing leggings as pants. Why not? It's Rome! Anything is possible in Rome!
btw, you should never wear leggings as pants. especially if they are really just tights and not even leggings.

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